Ding Dong--School's Back in Session

It's Ding Dong Time.
This is a metaphor for school being back in session.  It's also a name for the students who act like Ding-Dongs.  On that note, let's open our mailbox.

Student #1

Hello, My name is {C}. I am a student here at Crafton Hills, and I would like to know if you have room for one more in your class. I know you may be done adding people, however, this is the only class I need to graduate this spring. Is there any possible way that I can get a sticker from you tomorrow in order to add? Please let me know asap so that I do not miss the date to add more classes. Thank you.
~C.~

Dear C--

You know I've never heard that line about needing this class to graduate.  No one has ever said that before to me--never.  So, of course!  I'll bump you to the front of the add line--ahead of the other 12 people who came the first day of class, trying to add, and who I turned away.  Why bother waiting when you can plead with the teacher later?

I'm Just Kidding!  I asked him to tell me a little about himself, thinking that if he were halfway decent, I'd get him to come to my class the next day and I'd size him up.  He didn't answer until two days later, on the day of the add deadline.  He wrote, in part:

I will just be honest with you. In normal conditions, I have been known to slack a little. I procrastinate, cut corners, figure out some way to B.S. my way through it, and it usually works. This, however, is not a normal condition for me. For the last few months I have done nothing but talk to my family about how I want them to come to my graduation. That I am finally going to get my Associates, and after all this work I'd finally have something to show for it. I am motivated to prove myself in this class. To prove myself, to myself. My only difficulties, at present, lye in the fact that I am basically homeless, though fortunate enough to have a friend with a couch. Also, I have no vehicle, and as a result rely on others for a ride. I will, however do my very best to be as punctual as I can, to work hard in your class, and to turn in quality work.

Because he was too late, I turned him down.  Don't worry--I referred him on the late-start teacher, who chews up and spits out these type of students for a snack.  This student will be in good hands.

Student #2

Hello Ms. E--

sorry I wasn't in class tues. but here is my library research paper, my computer at home crashed and this is the first I could get to my grandmas computer, but what do you know she's out of paper. Again very sorry. thank you - J.

Dear J--

You are so lucky!  I run a free service for students like you.  My husband and I like nothing more than to print off papers for students whose grandparents don't have paper. We love to use up our printer ink and paper and time because we know, by looking at the date (a day AFTER the assignment was due) that you have much more important things to do than get to the library to print up your own work and turn it in on time. 

And J, while we're having this heart-to-heart dicussion, please stop bring your Big Gulp sodas to class in defiance of the explicitly stated rule about no food or drink in the classroom.  Even though I've mentioned it to you four times (once in the library), I'm sure it just slipped your tiny little mind.